What the heck is going on here?

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Squirtsmom2	What the heck is going on here?		Lead	[-]
Posts: 181 07/01/09 8:10 PM	I'm so confused about this and I can't talk to our mutual friend for obvious reasons so I'm hoping you guys can give me some unbias opinions. I have a friend that I've known for almost a year and a half. We used to see each other every other day or at least multiple times a week, mostly doing dog stuff but not always. I would get random texts from her at all hours about equally random stuff. We talked about everything and talked about it frequently. All in all, it was a typical friendship. Fast forward to now. I barely see her once a week, all our texting is one sided coming from me, and she rarely invites me to anything anymore. I do not know why, we haven't fought about anything and I can't recall any one situation that would prompt this. When we are together everything seems fine which adds to the "is it all in my head?" thoughts. Last night I had a situation with a guy that just made me want to run to her house and vent over ice cream and chocolate and I said as much to her via text, to which I got an uncommital response that went something like " well so and so (our other friend who I do not know nearly as well) and I are not doing much today, just hanging around the house and then watching TV later, etc. etc. etc." and considering no where in that text did I see the words "you are welcome to come too" or "wanna stop by?" I assumed I wasn't invited and responded with an equally non-comittal response and left it at that. If they wanted my company they would have invited me in the first place and I'm not going to shoe horn myself into someone elses plans. I honestly don't know if I'm just being needy and emotinal because of what happened with that idiot guy and everything is all in my head, or if she is distancing herself from me for some reason that I can't put my finger on. I have lost sleep over this, it's eating away at me and the last thing I want is to be that person that just cannot take a hint and hangs on to someone even though they clearly are giving singals that they aren't interested anymore. Nothing is more pathetic. I'm honeslty so upset over this and that guy situation combined that I'm almost tearing up typing this. I really needed someone to talk to about what happened and I still do, and it's so upsetting to me that I can't seem to count on her anymore when just a few weeks ago I would have bet money on her being there for me. Why do realtionships have to be so complicated? My brain hurts from trying to figure it all out and sometimes I just want to thow up my hands and say "screw it all!". What would you do? Leave her alone completly for a while and see what happens? (which is the option I'm leaning toward because at this point I'm upset and anything I say will be unprocductive anyway.) Or ask her what's up and risk looking like an idiot if it truly is all in my head? I feel like I'm in high school and considering I'm almost 30 that's not a good thing. I just want to go off and have a good cry and hope it's all fixed when I'm done, as if by magic, but I know it's not so simple.
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Betsy		#1	[url]	[-]
Posts: 3765 07/01/09 8:47 PM Senior Member	I would call her and ask. Whatever is going on you need to know. People are hard sometimes aren't they?
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Salty Dogs		#2	[url]	[-]
Posts: 5863 07/01/09 9:01 PM Dog Sports Trainer/Moderator	Without knowing your dynamic with her - is it possible she's starting a romantic relationship with someone and is one of those people who disappears when that happens? Have had friends do that, too, and while it is unkind, they are unlikely to change. This is slightly more forgiveable in my book than the other situation I describe below. A pet peeve of mine is when a "good" friend walks away without trying to save the friendship. I think it's cowardly. And by the cowardly, I mean her, not you. As we know, we all do things that are annoying, obnoxious, etc. But, in my book, if you really care, you make some attempt at honesty before you abandon the friendship. Or you suck up the obnoxious knowing you are most likely obnoxious as well. When people become part of your day to day and suddenly disappear, I think it is so unkind on their part - they've become part of your support system and they pull that out from under you. If she's a true friend, you can talk it out. If she won't talk it out, she's not who you thought she was. I sometimes think my ideas of loyalty in the context of friendship are not as common as one might think. If a friendship is casual and fades away, so be it - that seems like a part of life to me. But when someone has been part of the fabric of your day to day and they hike without trying to salvage or explain, I think it's cowardly and unkind. You are unlikely to ever be able to count on them emotionally. I've been through this - multiple times - with the same person. The first couple of times it hurt a great deal and I never did get a reason. The last time was just that, the last time. I no longer care either. I've had quite a few friends for 20 and 30 years and nothing like this has ever remotely happened - so I know it's got a lot to do with the other person. I have another friend that I occassionally have blow outs with. The last time was so bad I thought the friendship was over. But it wasn't. She's back and we are able to speak openly about the disagreement and why we both took the stance we did - but it's over because we both believe you can disagree with people and still maintain a relationship. I've got so much more respect for this type of behaviour - although I don't enjoy the blowouts. While capable of a good confrontation, I'm not a person who thrives on it or needs it. I like peace. So, the short of it is - I'm sorry this is happening to you. Would you consider asking directly if something has happened to put this distance there? If you get the runaround, walk away, she'll do it again. Patty
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Squirtsmom2		#3	[url]	[-]
Posts: 181 07/01/09 10:02 PM	Without knowing your dynamic with her - is it possible she's starting a romantic relationship with someone and is one of those people who disappears when that happens? Have had friends do that, too, and while it is unkind, they are unlikely to change. She's (let's call her "M") married so that's not the issue. I have another friend that does exactly that though so I know what it looks like and I do agree that it's different and I am far more forgiveable for that type of behavior. We've all been smitten with a new someone before and had a one track mind. Not a big deal. I get it. Although now that you mention it, it almost seems as if she IS doing that but instead of spending all her time with a new man she is spending it with a new friend. She met "T" a couple months ago, as did I, and while I like "T" well enough and we get along great I am not close with "T" and she has pretty much taken up my spot with her. Every time I turn around she is doing something with "T" and "already has plans". Which is FINE. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those people that thinks a friend should only spend time with me. I don't care if my friends do things without me, everything is not always going to be a group situation with everyone included. What bugs me is that it's almost as if the novelty of hanging out with "T" is more attractive to her than hanging out with me, because "T" is new, and I'm always around. Another thing that is picking at me is that we all (3 of us) had a falling out with another friend a few months back. Over something really stupid and I was pretty much caught in the middle of the whole thing. I saw first hand how cruel she can be when she decides that someone is not worth the time anymore. I STILL feel bad about what happened to this friend and I remember "M" telling me that when she doesn't like someone they will know it because she just stops talking to them. Makes me wonder if now I'm the one she has decided to just stop talking too. Geez, I look back on what I've typed and feel like I'm 16 again. So much Drama, huh? I just miss what we had, I really valued her friendship, I still do and I'm not sure how to get things back to the way they were or if that's even an option. I know it may seem like she is a b*tch from what I've wrote about her, but I haven't ever thought of her like that. We all have our character flaws and one of hers is that she is just as antisocial as I am, it's one of the reasons why we got along so well and hit it off so fast. We could relate to each other on that level in a way that social butterflies just can't understand. For over a year it was just the 3 of us. Me, M and our other friend. And now it seems like it is always M and T, and me and our other friend. We're all split up and I don't even know how it happened. So, the short of it is - I'm sorry this is happening to you. Would you consider asking directly if something has happened to put this distance there? If you get the runaround, walk away, she'll do it again. I want to, but at the same time I don't want to push her away even more by bringing it up. I'm conflicted. It is entirely possible that she is not doing this to hurt me, and that she just isn't thinking that what's happening is effecting me this way. She is inconsiderate like that and always has been. I knew this about her right away and I know it's not something she works at, it's just who she is. So if I bring it up, and she's all "what? I didn't even realize!" I would feel like a needy idiot. Last Edited By: Squirtsmom2 07/01/09 10:05 PM. Edited 1 time.
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hugsandtugs		#4	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1525 07/01/09 10:05 PM	Salty Dogs~I wish I had the presence of mind to be able to be that compassionate and objective. Those kind of thoughts just swim around in my head and never get resolved. You are a good person to help Squirtsmom since she's obviously angonizing over the loss. Squirtsmom I hope your friend didn't knowingly hurt you and it's all a misunderstanding that be talked through. I have been in that situation and what I did was write a letter to my friend but I never mailed it. Didn't change anything but it helped me put it behind me and not hold onto any resentment.
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CriticalCat		#5	[url]	[-]
Posts: 2169 07/01/09 10:23 PM Senior Member	Plus eleventy to everything Patty said. Sometimes people are just passive-aggressive and too goddamn chicken to end or mend a relationship with a little honesty and directness. Someone I thought was my best friend did this to me once- when I was not willing to sit quietly for it and questioned the behavior, I got an e-mail that read amazingly like a polite rejection of a job application saying she felt the friendship had run its course and we were "different people" now. It later became rather blatantly apparent I was a placeholder until she found a stable relationship with a man, the only kind she really valued- I found there had been other betrayals in the past. I'm not saying this is the case for you, but people can be amazingly cold like this. My new rule of thumb is that I do not tolerate people who leave me confused and feeling like I'm in high school for long unless they can give me a real good reason for it when asked- and I am much happier and my life has much less drama (and far better friends) for it. My feeling is that if you used to be a big part of her life and now she's giving you the cold shoulder, it is NOT all in your head and she probably is perfectly aware of it- and if she's really not, that points to rather a high level of self-absorption. Another thing that is picking at me is that we all (3 of us) had a falling out with another friend a few months back. Over something really stupid and I was pretty much caught in the middle of the whole thing. I saw first hand how cruel she can be when she decides that someone is not worth the time anymore. I STILL feel bad about what happened to this friend and I remember "M" telling me that when she doesn't like someone they will know it because she just stops talking to them. Big red flag to me. Another hard life lesson I've learned over the course of broken friendships is that if someone can do that to another friend... they can absolutely do it to you, too. I now start distancing myself from people I see treat another person cruelly for no good reason. Atomic Nerds
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hugsandtugs		#6	[url]	[-]
Posts: 1525 07/01/09 10:41 PM	CC, you posted the same time as me and your outlook gave me new insight on the same topic with a different slant. I think my first response was all I needed to say. Last Edited By: hugsandtugs 07/01/09 11:49 PM. Edited 2 times.
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epigirl		#7	[url]	[-]
Posts: 2821 07/02/09 7:45 AM	I was going to say something similar to CC but, as usual, she put it more succinctly that I would have! I have had friendships that leave me feeling confused and create a lot of drama, and I have learned to run the other way when someone starts making me feel like that. I hated Jr. High for a reason and I choose not to be involved in that kind of thing anymore. Obviously, this is easier said than done when real people that you care about are involved. Still, I promise you that avoiding people who act this way will eventually make your life easier. You'll also get better at spotting the warning signs up front so you won't get so close to someone before you realize they are like this. It has become empowering to me that I can avoid drama like this when I used to feel like I got sucked up in it frequently. To me, it sounds like this person likes to control the situation. She likes to decide who will get invited, etc, etc. This is the girl who was the ring-leader of the popular clique in Jr. High. I would call her and confront her about it (nicely). I would not say, "Maybe it's all in my head" to her because that gives her an easy out. I would just say, "I have been concerned lately because I feel like there is distance between us that wasn't there before." See what she says. If she has a good reason, fine. If not, I say let the friendship go. It's hard to convey tone over the internet...I don't mean to sound harsh or cold...I totally understand how hard this is for you. I have just developed a low tolerance for people who act this way and I think I'm annoyed with her on your behalf. Industrial Strength Science
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Mary Ann		#8	[url]	[-]
Posts: 4557 07/02/09 12:40 PM Senior Member	I agree with what the others have said. I think she's messing with your head, but I think I'd want to drop her cold as opposed to looking for an explanation from her. If she decides to communicate, you can tell her that you were uncomfortable with her behavior and let her explain, but I'd want her to come to me. Mary Ann Sadie, Brinker, Snowy, Huckleberry Barnable, S'More
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Squirtsmom2		#9	[url]	[-]
Posts: 181 07/02/09 12:51 PM	Dropping her cold is not really as option because we will see each other at dog shows all the time and at other dog related events. We are both in the business and the last thing I want is for it to be any more weird. As with everything, it's complicated. Of course. Not to mention that I don't want to drop her cold. This is someone I assumed I would be friends with until we are old and gray, walking away from that is not easy. I want to find out what's up and at least get some sort of reason for all this. It would be so much easier if she was being an outright bitch to me, at least then I would have no doubt, but she isn't being that way. It's not overt at all, it's just an ongoing amount of distance. I would just say, "I have been concerned lately because I feel like there is distance between us that wasn't there before." See what she says I think I'll use that. Thanks
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